Nick Jones

Regular readers will know that I have three cats, or more correctly, three cats condescend to live in the Jones household. In the past I’ve blogged about the useful lessons that cats provide for business strategists and people like me who are in the prediction business. I’m sitting in an airport lounge in Sydney musing about one particular vendor and I just realised how cat-like they are. Consider a few feline characteristics:

You can’t tell if cats are being clever and inscrutable or they just don’t care. Trying to understand your cats is futile. Whatever you say, they look at you the same way, with an air of mixed disdain and disappointment. You can’t tell the difference between a cat being exceedingly clever and a cat who’s just bored and ignoring you until they actually do something.

Cats always know what you need better than you do. The range of options a cat owner has to influence a cat are very limited, even bribery isn’t reliable. Cats are untrainable, they won’t inconvenience themselves merely to amuse their owner. Your cat believes it knows far more about what you want than you do. You’ll get whatever they decide to provide, when they decide to provide it; whether it’s a purr, a friendly rub around your feet, or a dead furry rodent. And most of the gifts they bring you are unexpected.

Cuteness beats performance any day. Cats are marketing geniuses. They operate on the principle that you will be forgiven anything if you’re stylish and cute.  

You should be grateful that they associate with you. The cat is in control, the word “owner” doesn’t apply to cats, because you don’t have rights. You just have to appreciate how privileged you are that the cat decided to do business with you.

The bills are eye-watering and you don’t get a replacement when they go wrong. Cats are an expensive luxury, repair costs (i.e., vet’s bills) are large enough to make your eyes water, and if the cat is out of  commission while it’s being repaired no-one provides you with a replacement.

Cats are about lifetime lock-in. Cats inveigle themselves into your home and once they have adopted you, they’re there forever. Cats are a total experience, they wriggle their way into every part of your life from mealtime to bedtime.

Anyone guessed yet which vendor was in my mind when I wrote the paragraphs above. Who was it provided a handset without MMS or cut & paste because they decided you didn’t need them? Who doesn’t provide you with a planning roadmap? Who has the most stylish gadgets in the world and with some very expensive hardware and contracts? Who wants to lock you in to a total experience? If you assume they’ll continue to treat you in the same way as your cat, you probably won’t be very far wrong.