Mark McDonald

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April 1^st – Washington D.C.

Unnamed sources in the Administration confirmed that the U.S. Government is preparing a full-scale take-over of the nation’s high tech industry.  “We know they did not receive bail-out money, but after autos, financial services, healthcare and student loans we asked what would be next?”

U.S. Government officials, including Aneesh Chopra, CTO and Vivek Kundra, CIO, could not be reached for comment.  President Obama, who carries a one of a kind ‘blackberry’ type device, was also not available.

When informed that much of the high tech industry’s manufacturing, design and support is provided outside of the U.S.; Administration officials were not upset.  “They make cars in Canada and Mexico, how different is that from making PC’s in China.”

In an unexplained move Administration plans do not include companies whose companies or products are named after fruit.  “The agricultural lobby is pretty strong and we did not want to upset them,” commented one official who was texting away.

Apple had no comment on this aspect of the plan, but confirmed a large shipment of iPads to the greater DC area as well as announcing that the next generation iPhone due in June would be renamed the “o”Phone.  Blackberry manufacturer, Research in Motion, reminded investors that they are a Canadian company.

When asked for comment, prominent tech execs on the west coast were at a loss.  “We were strong supporters during the campaign.  I even went to Oprah’s fundraiser so I am not sure why this is happening.”  Prices for gently owned corporate jets are expected to crash following the formal announcement, despite the fact that it’s a four-hour flight from the west coast to Washington.  “The auto execs only had to fly about 55 minutes,” commented one high tech exec, “this seems kind of unfair.”  Washington insiders report that video conferencing will not be allowed for oversight hearings despite protests lodged by Cisco and Polycom.  “Telepresence is not television,” a lobbyist with prior experience in this area pointed out.

Government officials offered few reasons for the take-over, but one official commented that move was intended to close the loop as many multi-national companies are working to keep data outside of the U.S. due to provisions of the Patriot Act.  ”Were taking a page from China, own 51% of the industry and there’s no place to run.” commented on Congressional staffer.

When asked about government plans for the high tech sector, unnamed officials pointed to the expected $8 billion dollar windfall from the government’s sale of Citigroup stock.  “If we can get that for 25% of a troubled bank, imagine what we can get for the entire tech sector.  This should take a pretty big byte out of the deficit,” the official chuckled.

In related stories:

• The domain Foxnews.com has been nationalized and placed behind the great firewall in China in exchange for loosening restrictions on Google.
• European Union scientists have announced that selective breading has improved the aerodynamic lift capability of swine to the point where its debatable if they can sustain flight by gliding along on thermal updrafts.
• The Audubon Society and Warner Brothers Studios filed suite against Twitter in a Delaware court citing copyright infringement for the term “tweet.”
• Jon Stewart will finally replace Brian Williams on the NBC Nightly news after Stewart beat Williams in an arm wrestling match officiated by Stephen Colbert.

Happy April 1^st.

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