Brian Prentice

In a move set to rock the information technology industry, Microsoft has announced plans to migrate the world-famous Microsoft Windows computer operating system to an open source licensing agreement and provide it free of charge to end users, businesses and original equipment manufacturers (known as OEM).

The announcement was made today by Microsoft CEO, Steve Ballmer. Flanked by celebrity life coach and spiritual advisor, Eckhart Tolle, Ballmer laid out the reasons for this momentous change.

“Over the last couple of years I’ve been working through some challenging personal growth issues with Eckhart,” said Ballmer. “I came to realize that this whole anti-open source thing of mine was a blocking mechanism. What I know now is that calling Linux a cancer or questioning open source innovation was a convenient way for me to avoid looking within and finding my inner stillness. I had lost touch with myself and, with it, I had lost myself in the world.”

Ballmer handed his talking stick to Tolle who continued, “the less you open your heart to others, the more your heart suffers. Steve realized that the less open his company’s code was, the more that code would suffer. This announcement today that Microsoft Windows will become a free, open source offering for people around the world is an amazing personal breakthrough for Steve.” The two embraced, tears clearly visible on both men’s faces.

The mood across Microsoft’s Redmond campus has been one of elation. According to Tobias O’Toole, Group Product Alignment, Alliance & Evangelism Marketing Manager for Microsoft User Experience Design Team, “We’ve all known that Steve’s over-exuberant, billionaire capitalist antics were just a way for him to avoid getting in touch with the shy, sensitive man we know he is. We’re all just so delighted he’s discovered his inner angel and extended a hand of peace and love to the open source community and the world at large. After all, I think it’s safe to say that every employee at Microsoft is a huge fan of open source software.”

And there’s confirmation now from Bill Gates that the entire Microsoft vs. open source battle of the last decade was concocted to achieve exactly this outcome. Sitting next to a clean-shaven, and noticeably thinner Richard Stallman, Gates explained, “did you ever see that Adam Sandler movie ‘Anger Management?’ It’s about a guy who’s set up by his girlfriend and this apparently crazy doctor named Buddy Rydell in an elaborate scheme to help him get confront his feelings of inadequacy. Well, we’ve basically been doing the same thing with Steve. It’s Richard here, an old friend from my Harvard days, who’s been playing the part of Buddy Rydell. He really knew how to push Steve’s buttons and I’m eternally grateful he did.”

Said Stallman, “it’s been a trying couple of years and you know, I really should be glad that Steve is fully blissed out. But honestly, all I’ve been thinking about is how great it will be to drop this Jerry Garcia look. The beard has been itching like crazy for the last ten years. And don’t even start me on how embarrassing it was to eat a plate of spaghetti bolognese in public. Heck, If it wasn’t for the generous Microsoft share grant my good friend Bill provided me back ‘93 I probably would have thrown in the towel a long ago,” laughed Stallman.

“Microsoft is a company dedicated to personal growth and enlightenment, whether it’s with our customers or our employees,” said Ballmer after regaining his composure. “I guess I’ve been so focused on seeing this happen with others that I just forget to give myself a little me-time and to realize that I deserve my share of happiness. But through personal growth has come an understanding on my part that the big, broad open source community is as committed to creating a loving and harmonious world as Microsoft is. There’s no reason to fight anymore. So, today I’m also announcing a ‘Summit of Love.’ Next week I’ll be meeting with Linus Torvalds, Jim Whitehurst and the entire board of the OSI to create a single, unified operating system that will be free and open source.” Holding up copies of the press release Ballmer reiterated, “there will be peace in our time.”

But financial analysts were weary. Asked how this move would impact the gross margin central to Microsoft’s market capitalization, Ballmer shot back through another stream of tears. “What I know now is that when you give love you get it back. Maybe not right away. Maybe not in this lifetime! But it comes back. I’m not going to be deterred from doing the right thing just because a quarterly-driven accounting system can’t properly measure that simple reality.”

Microsoft’s share priced has doubled since the news has broken, confirming that Ballmer’s sentiments were aligned with market expectations.

Update – April Fools

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